As the Waves of the Ocean

It's so easy to stand on the beach and watch the waves roll against the sand...

how beautiful and relaxing it may be. 

But, when you stand amid the waves, trying to gain a footing, if there for hours, you may find it frustrating at the wrestling with the tide.

This is a good picture of how life has been for me for...hmmm, well ...a good long time.  I feel as if I am out there in the sea, not simply in a boat that's rocking to and fro in the midst of the storm, but rather within the waves, struggling to catch my breath, to gain a footing, to get some respite.

Uhhh, it's a very difficult battle I have been fighting, mostly within.   Each day, there is a battle that rages.  Will I give into this disease or fight? Fight! Ah yes, this is what I want to do but often, I become weary in this battle.  But, really! what other choice do I have but to struggle and fight?  You see, if I were alone on this earth, I could very well, pick a spot on the map, and live as a recluse and just give in. 

BUT, God has given me a family, a purpose on this green planet, and for that simple reason, I have to fight!  I have six children to raise up for the Lord.  I must try, ever so intently, to help them to be what God desires them to be.  I must give them the tools, practically to be a godly wife, a good parent and spiritually to be a strong Christian.  My efforts, truly are flawed but my prayer is that God will give grace and that He will make up for my many short-comings and faults.

What will this result be?  I really can't tell.  Oh, I can imagine these wonderful dreams of my girls being wonderful wives and godly mothers, my boys being strong men that will hold fast in THE faith, loving their wives with delight and valuing their relationships with their children but only God knows what the future holds.  It is up to me and what I do with THIS DAY that is before me.  To hold eternity in view, to die to self and selfish desires, to fight with all of my being, all that would threaten God's best in their lives. 

And so THIS day, I choose to fight, to face these storms with all that I am.  And when there is nothing left in me to fight, then fight some more, to be strong in the Lord and the power of HIS might.

"I Know Who Holds Tomorrow"

I don't know about tomorrow,

I just live from day to day.

I don't borrow from its sunshine

'Cause the skies might turn to grey.

I don't worry about the future,

'Cause I know what Jesus said,

And today I'll walk beside him

'Cause he's knows what lies ahead.

Many things about tomorrow

 I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter

As the golden stairs I climb.

Every burden is getting lighter

All the clouds are silver lined.

Over there the sun is always shining

And no tears will dim the eye

And the ending of the rainbow

Where the mountains, they touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow

I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand.

Yes I know who holds my hand.

"In all this Job sinned not"

God's timing amazes me...as I am reading through my Bible everyday, I find that God gives me exactly what I need for each day.  Not too many days ago, I sat on my bed, warm steamy coffee in hand and my Bible on my lap...  This has been my morning routine since I can't remember. 

With me being sick, my husband has played a great part in this: The alarm usually goes off at about 6am.  The smell of fresh coffee brewing has already filled the house with it's "best part of waking up" aroma.  My dear, sweet husband, makes his way into the kitchen to fill my favorite cup and grabs my medicine.  He usually walks into the bedroom, scooting my little Romeo off of the bed (Romeo is my ever-devoted kitty) and helps me out of bed with a warm hug and kiss as I stand to my feet.  "Here's your medicine, sweety."
"Thank you. Good morning." Is my usual reply as I sip my hot coffee and down a hand full of pills.  (Brittany is amazed at my ability to swallow so many pills at once.  I don't even have to wiggle my toes or jump up and down to help them make their way in like some 5 foot 3 inch people! ) :)

I make use of the time it takes for my pain medicine to kick in and sit on the bed doing my morning devotions...which is where I began this little story of mine...

Not too many days ago, I sat on my bed, warm steamy coffee in hand and my Bible on my lap... 
I had been reading through my Bible and on the previous day finished up the book of Esther.  (I love reading the book of Esther, although I can't help but to play it out in my mind like the movie, "One Night With the King".  I love that movie and it suits me just fine to let my mind wonder this way.) So, I turn the page and what do I find?  My next assignment is .... JOB.  (Ahh, thanks Lord! I don't know if I want this lesson.)  In the past, I have read the book of Job and wondered at Job's distress and not really understanding his response.

My first new insight was that Job was emotional and grieved.  

But, "In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly." Job 1:22 

You see this was such a revelation for me!  I have had so many moments of grief and tears. I began to feel guilty, like I was being so unspiritual for struggling with what I was going through. 

I mean REALLY!  How can a mother look into the face of her sweet little dimpled seven year old and think that she may not be there to help him grow up? Or watch her girls sit on the end of her bed, talking, laughing and being silly and think she may not be there to hold their first child?  There are so many aspects to dealing with a life-threatening disease.  It can be so overwhelming at times. 
 So, you grieve, and cry and even question your struggles.

But, "In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly." Job 1:22 

You mean to tell me, "It's okay to grieve and cry and struggle?" 

That, "My tears don't mean that I'm unspiritual?"

How LIBERATING that truth was!

And so, I am really enjoying my study through the book of Job. 

God is teaching me so much and ministering to my spirit in so many wonderful ways.

This morning has been no different!  

This was what God had for me today:

"Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant?"
Numbers 11:11

Our heavenly Father sends us frequent troubles to try our faith. If our faith be worth anything, it will stand the test. Gilt is afraid of fire, but gold is not: the paste gem dreads to be touched by the diamond, but the true jewel fears no test. It is a poor faith which can only trust God when friends are true, the body full of health, and the business profitable; but that is true faith which holds by the Lord's faithfulness when friends are gone, when the body is sick, when spirits are depressed, and the light of our Father's countenance is hidden. A faith which can say, in the direst trouble, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him," is heaven-born faith. The Lord afflicts his servants to glorify himself, for he is greatly glorified in the graces of his people, which are his own handiwork. When "tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope," the Lord is honoured by these growing virtues. We should never know the music of the harp if the strings were left untouched; nor enjoy the juice of the grape if it were not trodden in the winepress; nor discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon if it were not pressed and beaten; nor feel the warmth of fire if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are discovered by the trials through which his vessels of mercy are permitted to pass. Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be shades in the picture to bring out the beauty of the lights. Could we be so supremely blessed in heaven, if we had not known the curse of sin and the sorrow of earth? Will not peace be sweeter after conflict, and rest more welcome after toil? Will not the recollection of past sufferings enhance the bliss of the glorified? There are many other comfortable answers to the question with which we opened our brief meditation, let us muse upon it all day long.

White Coats & High Hopes

White Coats & High Hopes

So, here I sit in one of the best hospitals in the country

(and likely the world) and what is the prevailing thought? 

 "Life is so disposable."        Or better yet... It is but a vapor.

 There are hundreds of people sitting here in the waiting room to get help for whatever ails them and the first stop is blood work.  Walk up to the counter, "Hilton Building, Desk C" and you are greeted by a smiling, cheerful face.  "Wow" I think to myself.  After all, it's 8am, I'm nervous because I don't know what lies before me, I'm probably patient number 473 this morning alone and this is a welcoming stop on my journey.  Perhaps this is just a really sweet lady!

Blood work done.  Onward to my next appointment.  As we tunnel our way through the underground walkways (aka "subways") toward the main lobby, I feel like I'm entering a beautiful hotel lobby with 40 foot ceilings, marble floors, beautiful art and a pleasant grand piano filling the air with lovely music.

 "Shall we just sit here, drink in the atmosphere and lose ourselves in the music?"  Ahh, no- we didn't travel close to a thousand miles for atmosphere!  I mean it could look like a sanitarium and it wouldn't matter if they did what I needed done!

Appointment after appointment, that lady from the "Hilton Building, Desk C" must have sent her sisters to take care of me because they were ALL so sweet and lovely.  I'm not joking, even the men were pleasant.  We must be on another planet!  Are we still in America?  And "Up North" for goodness sakes!  Everybody knows that "all Northerners are rude." (At least that's what our mamas told us)

No, no, we were in the right place but they must have one of those Wal-Mart kind of morning "pep rallies" before the doors open at 6am for patients, to get everyone motivated and happy. 

                          ************

With all of that being said, I hope I have set the atmosphere quite perfectly for you.  I ended up in "The" Liver Specialist's office by Wednesday.  The bulk of tests had been done and it was time for some serious observation.  We sat and talked with him as he sorted files, read records, asked questions and made notes.  He was a pleasant man, relaxed, calculated and very knowledgeable.  After examining me, it was time for us to ask questions.  We had many fears- my doctors at UVA helped us to understand how serious my condition was, no doubt so that we would handle it seriously and follow their treatment plan.  I had Stage 3 Liver Disease.  They wanted to, "save my liver" and avoid the need for a transplant.  Along with this, we had been studying up on this disease and knew allot of the "Ins and outs" from our reading.

So, what did he say?

He did confirm that I have both PBC (Primary Biliary Cirrhosis) and AIH (Autoimmune Hepatitis). 

They have ordered the actual tissue samples from my last two biopsies and will have them looked at by Mayo.  (He didn't see the point in taking another biopsy)  He believes that with a little different approach, as far as my medicine goes, we can get to the place that we can manage these diseases and the damage they are having on my liver. There are no dietary changes that will aid in managing the effects of this disease on my liver.  I don't need to worry about a transplant: 25 years ago PBC was the leading reason for a liver transplant but with the advancement of medicine and treatment options, it is rare for a PBC patient to need a transplant (even at Stage 4).

Long term, things look good for me.  I will still have the difficulty of day-to-day pain and fatigue from the disease. Over the next week, I have a series of appointments with the chronic pain clinic which will help me with managing my pain through medicine and lifestyle management. (like the physical therapy I am currently doing)

All in all, we are so encouraged!  We are truly rejoicing in The Lord and are THANKFUL for the LIFE He has given me.

My life is but a weaving ..

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I may choose the colors
But He knows what they should be.

For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side
While I see it….
Only on the underside.

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow
Which seemeth strange to me
But I will trust His judgment
And work on faithfully.

Tis He who fills the shuttle
For He knows what is best
And I shall weave in earnest
And leave with Him the rest.

At last when life has ended
With Him I shall abide
Then I may view the pattern
Upon the other side.

Then I shall know the reason why
Pain with joy entwined
Was woven in the fabric of life
That God designed.
The shuttles of His purpose move
To carry out His own design;
Seek not too soon to disapprove
His work, nor yet assign
Dark motives, when, with silent tread,
You view some somber fold;
For lo, within each darker thread
There twines a thread of gold.

Spin cheerfully,
Not tearfully,
He knows the way you plod; Spin carefully,
Spin prayerfully,
But leave the thread with God.

The Faith of Chicken Little

Chicken Little was in the woods one day when an acorn fell on her head. It scared her so much she trembled all over. She shook so hard, half her feathers fell out. "Help! Help! The sky is falling! I have to go tell the king!"  So she ran in great fright to tell the king. Along the way she met Henny Penny.
"Where are you going, Chicken Little?" 
"Oh, help! The sky is falling!"
"How do you know?"
"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
"This is terrible, just terrible! We'd better hurry up."
So they both ran away as fast as they could. Soon they met Ducky Lucky.
"Where are you going, Chicken Little and Henny Penny?"
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We're going to tell the king!"
"How do you know?"
"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head."
"Oh dear, oh dear! We'd better run!"
So they all ran down the road as fast as they could. Soon they met Goosey Loosey walking down the roadside.
"Hello there. Where are you all going in such a hurry?"
"We're running for our lives!"
"The sky is falling!"
"And we're running to tell the king!"
"How do you know the sky is falling?"
"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
"Goodness! Then I'd better run with you."
And they all ran in great fright across a field. Before long they met Turkey Lurkey strutting back and forth..
"Hello there, Chicken Little, Henny Penny, Ducky Lucky, and Goosey Loosey. Where are you all going in such a hurry?"
"Help! Help!"
"We're running for our lives!"
"The sky is falling!"
"And we're running to tell the king!"
"How do you know the sky is falling?"
"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
"Oh dear! I always suspected the sky would fall someday. I'd better run with you."
So they ran with all their might, until they met Foxy Loxy.
"Well, well. Where are you rushing on such a fine day?"
"Help! Help!" It's not a fine day at all. The sky is falling, and we're running to tell the king!"
"How do you know the sky is falling?"
"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears, and part of it fell on my head!"
"I see. Well then, follow me, and I'll show you the way to the king."
So Foxy Loxy led Chicken Little, Henny Penny, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey, and Turkey Lurkey across a field and through the woods. He led them straight to his den, and they never saw the king to tell him that the sky is falling.


The Faith of Chicken Little
So, it’s been 26 days since I began my little egg hatching project and  I still have 3 un-hatched eggs sitting in the incubator.  In case you’re wondering, it’s only supposed to take 21 days.  If you’ve read my previous post, you will know that I have been excitedly waiting for God to hatch my little eggs.  Can you guess how disappointed I was (and still am) when the days just ticked away without any faint chirps or breaks in the shells?  I just knew God was going to give me …one rooster and two hens.  REALLY!  

Did I not have enough faith to hatch these little eggs…

Along with my prayers for God to hatch these eggs, I have also been praying that God would provide the money needed to buy my children’s school curriculum before school started in September.  I don’t mean that every-now-and-then I would casually mumble a prayer in passing, “by the way, God we need money for the kids schoolwork”. No, it was every day, fervently asking God to meet this need (and just knowing that He was going to do it).  I have been praying this way for the past two months, not only by myself but I also had the children praying along with me.  Each time they would ask about ordering their schoolwork, I would reply, “Just keep praying.”

July passed.  August slowly drew to a close…now SEPTEMBER was here and still NO MONEY for school!  I was beginning to get a little nervous.  I finally broke on Tuesday, when the Christian School had their first day and my children did not have even the slightest idea on when they could start.  I mean, I am a pretty resourceful person but I cannot pull schoolwork out of thin air so they could begin.  Although, the thought of making up something for them to do until God gave us their books, did cross my mind. 

I began talking to my husband about it and finally broke down.  (I am actually a very privileged person because I get to live with the Pastor and can get counseling anytime) :)

   I was overwhelmed and had let everything get to me, even testing my faith and questioning prayer life. 

“God hasn’t answered my prayer about school AND hasn’t hatched my little eggs.  I have prayed and prayed about these things.  I just knew God was going to answer my prayers!  And he hasn’t !  I know it’s silly but every time I walk by those eggs, I think, What if God doesn’t answer my other prayers?” By this time I was broken, sobbing and overwhelmed with sorrow.

My sweet, patient, godly husband comforted me with, “You’re basing your theology on three little eggs!!??  You can’t allow yourself to think that God is not going to heal you just because those eggs haven’t hatched!”

He was right, you know!  In the midst of our conversation, he realized that God had already provided for the kids schoolwork, we had just overlooked His answer to our prayers.  The answer was already there.  But, I needed this lesson.  You see, I learned that even though our prayers seemingly go unanswered, it doesn’t mean God is not at work.  I can trust Him, rest in Him.  These aren’t new concepts to this lady- it’s just that sometimes, in the midst of a storm, like Peter, we look at the raging winds, the swelling tide and fail to see the Savior is right there extending His Loving Hand of Comfort.

Well, my little eggs still haven’t hatched.  But, it’s okay- I am so thankful for the lessons they have taught me and the way they were used to strengthen my faith.